Oh there you are Peter

Before I made this post, I checked to see when the last time I actually blogged.  Nearly half a year ago.  The time was different then as it is now.  Much has happened.  I lost someone dear to me.  The need to make my life so public became quickly silenced and so this blog has sat abandoned by the wayside.  It's hard for me to express my loss in written and spoken words and so I make new photographs instead.

Brittle skin.  Exposed roots.  A broken heart.

It hasn't been long since my father died so the feelings are fresh.  They hit me often.   I believe that some might call me a "functioning mourner".  I'm able to do what I need to do to get through my day while quietly masking my feelings until I explode.  When my father passed, it was already late into the night.  The very next day, I woke up at 4am, took a 2 hour train ride to work and taught two 4 hour classes.  That night we took a red eye back home to prepare for the funeral.

It wasn't until we landed, walking past the gates to the exit, that I thought of the last time my father picked me up from the airport.  The memory overwhelmed me so much that I finally broke down, crying hysterically in front of the TSA.

Since then I've been able to outwardly appear fine but I would be remiss if I didn't mention that I lose myself in grief from time to time.  I am now slowly learning to deal with that.   

Many things remind me of my father.  Music and movies are hard triggers for me.  He loved going to the movies.  He loved 70s rock.  I was in London, eating Thai food at a very nice restaurant with absolutely nothing to do with my dad when all of a sudden I hear Jim Croce.  Instant tears.  I went to go see a blockbuster movie over the summer.  I saw a father and son sitting in a movie theater and just started balling.  For a while, it all was overwhelming.  It made my days hard and eventually my nights.  I started having vivid dreams of mundane events with my father in them.  And thus it was a constant cycle of seeing and being tormented by the memory of him. 

With the recent passing of beloved Robin Williams, I revisited an old movie of his, Hook.  The movie tells the story of Peter Pan all grown up played by Williams.  There's a scene in the middle where Peter must convince the Lost Boys that he is still the exact same Peter Pan that they all loved and followed many years ago.  A small boy goes up to Peter and carefully examines his face.  He reaches out and touch's Peter's face.  The boy turns Peter's head this way and that.  The moment is beautiful and exemplifies child-like innocence and curiosity.  After careful consideration, the boy's face lights up and he says in a simple statement, "Oh there you are Peter".

I love that scene and this movie.  There's a lot of themes and emphasis on childhood imagination, families, love, and acceptance.  The movie also holds such a sentimental place in my heart since my own father, named Peter, was an Army pilot that loved to fly. My childhood is filled with him exclaiming to be THE Peter Pan and later after the movie Hook came out, being able to crow louder than any Lost Boy, pirate and Captain alike.

It is such a happy and loved memory that my remembrances began to outweigh my sorrow.  I didn't cry and it wasn't a trigger.  It was a realization.  I realized that I can remember my father through all the associations that I encounter and choose to hold on to the good memories they elicit rather than push them away before finally bursting into hot, sad tears.  It's small and silly perhaps.  But it's truthful and real for me.

I'm not perfect.  I don't expect my sadness to go away.  And though he isn't here, I will try and keep his memory alive by carrying his traditions, his likes, and his hopes for me.  This is a small step for me and something I've finally been able to accept.  No longer will I turn away and ignore my feelings.  I know now.  The next time I happen to think of my father I will approach it like the boy said with such simple acceptance, "oh there you are Peter".

You can find that adorably gut-wrenching scene here.

New

New, new, new.

That seems to be the running theme this week.

To begin with, I managed to get my darkroom set-up.  I blackened out the windows, screwed in the red lights, cleaned out old chemicals, dusted off my trays and hung my apron.  All last week I worked on running my exposure tests and getting a feel for my newly made exposure unit.  (All in all, I say quite a success!)

I worked with some images shot from a few weeks ago via my Stern Grove/Petzval excursion.  And of course, as such imagery does, they came out beautifully in Cyanotype.

Initially, I ran some of what I like to call, "shot in the dark" curves on my Cyanotypes.  This just means that I'm lazy.  I found a random curve that someone had suggested off of the internet and used it as a part of my first tests.  Only two more additional tests [with step wedges] I finally found a custom curve that suited my needs in tonal range. I'm pleased how far I was able to spread out the blacks and the only toning I ended up doing was a quick hydrogen peroxide bath for deeper, more saturated blues.  I also had some minor contact issues when exposing.  To begin with, I utilized a clear piece of plexiglass held down with some weights.  The contact was terrible and all my images were soft.  To fix this, I ended up buying a cheap frame from Walgreens (on sale!) for about $7.  Instant contact, sharp detail.

I started a new series, one that I'll now call Fragments.  I had the idea nearly six months ago but couldn't seem to find the motivation to shoot it until now.  It's funny how the art-making process works.  I still remember exactly why I had wanted to create this series too.  The main idea came from a random accident that occurred involving a side mirror and glass shattering onto the ground.  During that time I also was trying to find relief from the complexity of heavy duty thesis project.  This series is kind of my "stripped bare, back to the roots, as close to straight photography as I'm going to get" kind of project...which really doesn't say anything at all about the images.  But in terms of my shooting style, these do seem pretty far removed.

I'm excited to announce that this coming April, I'll be teaching a gum bichromate class at Rayko Photo Center.  If you've ever been curious or had the desire to know how to take digital images and create historical colored prints, then come join me Monday evenings starting April 21st-May 19th.  Reserve your spot soon, space is limited!

Finally, I'm honored to say that tomorrow is the opening reception for the Imagined Realities exhibit, curated by Shana and Robert ParkeHarrison.  The exhibit shows through the month of February until March 14th at PhotoPlace Gallery in Middlebury, Vermont.  This is my second time showing at PhotoPlace and then third time that the Red Bag has exhibited across the country.  The ParkeHarrison's have always been a great inspiration to me as conceptual artists and image makers, so I'm thrilled that they would choose my image as a part of their 40 piece curated show.  If in Middlebury, please stop by!

Petzval lens for DSLR

Nearly six months ago I pined.  I longed.  I wished.  I waited...

I had stumbled upon the latest kickstarter lens project that had actually held my attention and made it's way straight to my heart.  The Petzval lens redeveloped to fit a DSLR camera system.  The project rooted itself deep in the same vein of old technologies mixing with new.  An idea and belief that I practice within my own art.  This project heralded back to "what once was" and yet seemed so cavalier.  The old with the new.   I love it.

And so, Thom surprised and gifted me the Petzval as my graduation present from receiving my masters.  The only catch was that I'd have to wait for production to get underway...actually far away in Russia, until the estimated ship date of early spring 2014.

Two weeks ago a package came for me in the mail.  And I flew home back to New York at the exact same time.  So again, I pined.  I longed.  I wished.  I waited.  Well my friends, the wait is over.  And it was Christmas all over again.  I was so excited about receiving this package that I can't even create a proper blog post or even write a decent review on the highly anticipated newly revolutionized Petzval lens for digital systems.  Blame my jet lag if you will. 

I did manage to shoot off a few tests around my apartment before the sun dropped.  Those I'll share here if only to admire that beautiful, swirly, creamy Petzval-renowned depth of field.

Don't worry, only after unpacking, a good long shower, hot meal and some decent sleep, will I go out this weekend, shoot and dutifully report.

You can read more on the lens here.

Solo Exhibition and new website up!

Just thought I'd share the big news that this Thursday will be the opening reception for my first solo exhibition.  My graduate thesis, Another Me, is being shown at the AAU Gallery at the Cannery through this month of September.

I'm still [slowly but surely] getting things together down there and I am super nervous to get it all done by 5:30pm.  We'll see...

In other news, I managed to get a new website up.  It now holds my series, resume and extra information in a nice, neat, and presentable way.  The positive thing about it all is that I'm using Wix and can edit or make changes easily enough.  So check it out and let me know what you think!

Summertime (200th post!)

So this happens to be my 200th blog post!  My 100th post was a reflection post as well, so it seems fitting that I do so again....especially since I've been completely silent in blogging over the past couple of months!

Summers in the Bay Area are odd to say in the very least...at least in the Sunset District.  Temperatures have been steadily overcast, foggy and near the low 60s for the entire months of June, July, and now going into August.  Often enough, I find myself reaching for an extra sweater and blanket instead of the typical set of sandals and sunscreen.  So it does seem surprising to me that two months did indeed fly by with a blink of an eye and that we are now heading into late summer/early fall.  Wait!  Late summer?  EARLY FALL?!  I feel robbed!

But that is how the summers are here and I'm slowly adjusting. (Even after the two years that I have lived here already.)  Thankfully, San Francisco usually sees it's warm and sunny "summertime" weather during the late August, September and October months, so I am looking forward to that.

I suppose this post is more of a recap of what elapsed during this cold summertime.  And so much has happened!  With the start of my last semester, I quickly got caught up in the double-paced speed of summer classes.  I learned to write code in HTML and CSS.  (I can make a website!)  You can view proof of that work here.  For my final assignment, I had to make a survival kit of sorts, creating it using only HTML and CSS.  Rough, hack-jobbed, and barely viewable in IE, it's up and working.  I'm proud of it, at least as much as I can be for my very first website.

Along with the web design class, I also took a business for fine artists class.  I cringed when the predictable advice for film slides and slide carrousel came up (Yeek!) but other than that, I feel that I met a lot of great artists outside the realm of photography.  (Many of the other students were painters and sculptors from the fine art department.)

With the two classes I was taking, I also began my second semester teaching three classes at the Art Institute.  I will just be honest and say this:  Lesson plans, curriculum, syllabi might have been finalized an hour or two before the classes typically began each week.  Needless to say, I survived those weeks by the skin of my teeth!  NEVER again.  Ever.  On the plus side, my students seemed very receptive and pleased to find my efforts forthcoming and responsive, even with all the madness encompassing me each week.  I couldn't ask for better students.

And if that couldn't be enough (because honestly, is there ever such thing as enough?) I had presented my final thesis at the end of July.  I am beyond happy and enthralled to say that I passed with soaring marks.  I believe that it was the stress of deadlines and printing that made this task so hard.  If I wasn't doing homework or creating lesson plans, I could only be found doing several things that surrounded one main thing: printing, pre-printing, post-printing, and re-printing.

And now that I have passed, I am proud to say that I have obtained a Masters degree is Fine Arts and I will be having my first solo show this September in San Francisco.  I will make a post specifically to the details, dates and times soon!

Even with everything going on, Thom and I managed to find time for ourselves. Thom learned to brew his own beer and we both began canning.  I'm pretty much hooked now and love the idea of preserving my own food.  Have you seen that skit from Portlandia on pickling?  Yeah that's me in a nutshell these days.  (View video below) I've made jams, dilly beans, and bread & butter pickles.  I got this book out from my local library at the beginning of summer and I'm pretty sure I'll have to buy the book since I keep renewing it.  There are so many wonderful recipes and all fairly successful too. (At least the ones I've tried.)  It does seem that you can can pretty much anything but I'll definitely leave the band-aids, jewel cases, and dead pets out!

Gum in action

Gum prints in motion!  Here are two test prints with three layers of gum each:  Yellow, Red, and Blue.

It is now officially summer semester and I am elbows deep in gum arabic and water trays.  After hearing one great recommendation in paper, I've spent this past week and a half testing Arches Platine.  I admit that I was a bit hesitant and slow to step up to this seemingly thin and fragile paper.  Man, was I wrong!  Platine just happens to be the more refined and well behaved cousin of the previous Arches I was using, Arches 140lb hot press watercolor paper.  There's no turning back now.

I've also streamlined my prep.  When I used to come in and work, I would weigh out and mix my pigment and gum per "serving" and for each color I needed to use.  Needless to say, it has grown tedious and cumbersome.  So I figured out the ratio of pigment and gum that I needed in bulk.  I poured it into some empty and clean kombucha bottles and shook!  It was an almost instant gratification.

I am also currently taking a web design class and it's very empowering for me to be able to post such things like these .gifs for you all to enjoy via my ability to code in HTML.  Hopefully by the end of the semester I'll have a fully functioning website up in order.  We shall see...

Spending one's life trying to find one's way home

Một Cõi Đi Về.

Taken from a Vietnamese song, it translates into "spending one's life trying to find one's way home".  This past Wednesday I [finally] went and saw Dinh Q. Lê's exhibit at SF Camerawork.  The exhibit showcased Lê's large 12'x14' piece of stitched together found vernacular photographs.  Lê describes how his family had to flee from his homeland to America with little time and of great importance.  Like many other Vietnamese Refugees, they had to leave most of their physical possessions behind, including sentimental photographs.  Lê eventually journeyed back to Vietnam in hopes of finding those family momentos, shifting through boxes of old found photographs in secondhand stores before realizing that in some ways, these found photographs were photographs of his family -a people torn by war and away from their homeland.  

And so he takes the photographs, adopts them for his own kin, and creates a newly formed sense of memory, of home. 

(You can still catch the tail end of the exhibit.  It's up until June 22!)

We eloped! (Image heavy post!)

 For those that were with us and many that saw online, this past Thursday, May 23rd, 2013 at 11am, Thom and I eloped at the San Francisco City Hall.  The day was perfect and such a blur.  It's hard for me to describe the complete momentum and there were many emotions felt by all.

But as much as this post is about giving everyone an inside view of the day and happenings (so many photoz!), it is also a chance for me to sit down and write about why we made this spontaneous-looking decision.  And in truth, it was the most thought-out life decision that I've ever made.

It is also a decision that I feel I need to explain, since many of our dearest loved ones could not have been there.  I know Thom feels the same and we so much wanted everyone to have been there with us.  Already, we're so grateful for the love and support that we have received and we can't thank you enough.  So again, thank you.


Let me begin by saying that this past year has made me more aware of time.  I've noticed the way time shifts from this immense enigma to something so finite.  Time seems to switch easily between the two.  Yet when I recall back, it always seems so definitive.  It's easy to give into my twenty-something attitude, to feel carefree and look at life like I'm entitled to it.  It makes it easy to take advantage of time.  It's easy to turn it into an opportunity.

It's also hard to face time when you mix it with reality.  Sometimes, it makes time unfair.  It brings out the sad moments and big salty tears.  It makes us feel dizzy.  It makes me feel like grabbing on to everyone I could ever love and hold them forever just so they won't slip away.

And it's with those two outlooks on time that Thom and I decided to take advantage of the opportunity and elope at City Hall with parents there acting as witnesses.  They truly are the foundation for us.  I don't believe that either of us could be the people we are today without their never-ending love and support.  Both of our parents had originally planned to fly out to San Francisco under the guise of celebrating my graduation from AAU.  They had no idea what we were planning, nor a moment to even think about what we were doing since we told them literally the day before the wedding.  (By this point in time, Thom and I had told our siblings, closest family members, and dearest friends.  Everyone else was in the dark.)

One of the hardest issues was not having our families and closest friends there, so we want to stress that we are still planning on having the big "real" wedding next June 2014 with everyone there to celebate.

Without being too open in this completely open and tell-all online environment, I will stress again that our decision to elope was based on the importance of time and of family.

 So let me get to the little details of the day:

1.  Date and Time:  Thursday, May 23rd, 2013 at 11am Pacific Time.
2. Venue:  San Francisco City Hall.  (Thom and I requested our date and time a month or so ahead.  We also filled out our marriage license ahead of time and verified it there before the ceremony. )
3. Reception:  Zuni Cafe.  Awesome service, delicious food!
4. Transportation:  Uber there and MUNI back!
5. Photographer:  My darling roommate, Kristina Varaskina took all the images seen here.  спасибо!
6. Flowers:  Bouquet was handmade by myself and mothers, provided by Safeway.  Succulent boutonnieres by Eucca.  (Best service, prices and beautiful handmade selection of flowers and succulents.)
7. What he wore:  Levi's, Kenneth Cole shoes, blue button up, gray vest, and plaid bow-tie all from Macy's.
8. What she wore:  Dress from here.  Shoes from here.  Veil from here.
9. Miscellaneous:  Handkerchiefs for Mother of Bride and Groom.

(I will say that in total, I spent about $300 total for my dress, accessories and flowers!)

The day before the wedding:

 That week, my parents flew in on Monday night.  Thom's parents weren't to arrive until Wednesday afternoon and again, we planned on getting married Thursday morning.  We didn't want to tell one set of parents before the other, so we planned on telling everyone that Wednesday afternoon after Thom's parents got settled in.

That Wednesday afternoon everyone was gathered around the kitchen and we had all finished a late lunch.  While conversation began to settled down and everyone seemed to be content, Thom and I snuck to our bedroom, put a bowtie on Connor and proceeded back into the kitchen.  We paraded back to our seats, Connor in arms, announcing that we had something important to say,

"After much thought and love, we have decided to get married...TOMORROW!"

Words cannot describe the looks witnessed on our parents faces after that fateful sentence was said.

There were tears, lots of hugs, hearty laughs, mass amounts of bewilderment and a small handful of doubt.  Everyone took the news quite well and they all seemed genuinely surprised.  (Although my mother would say otherwise, claiming that she knew that this would happen.  OOOkay mooooom.)

The rest of that day was spent getting flowers together, going over the next day wedding details and taking in all the exciting news.

The Wedding Day:

The day of the wedding, like I said before, was a big blur, especially the morning.  But I managed to snap a few candids, so I'll do my best to recount it all.

Though we started the day off seeing each other, Thom and I did keep one tradition alive and decided to get-ready separately.  We wanted to have the big reveal at City Hall.  So much of the time I stayed holed up in the back of the house while Thom got ready in the front.  But in the early morning, I woke up first and made a coffee cake for everyone before getting ready.

Kristina was a HUGE part of making the day so awesome and I can't seem to thank her enough for helping me with my hair (BIG hair!), makeup (What's this do again?) and of course, the photography (Thank you, thank you!).  The night before, I pin curled my hair and then she helped me take down the curls, brush them out and set them.  I really wanted to style my hair much like a 1940s Lauren Bacall since my dress, shoes and ring were all set for that particular era.  Plus, if you throw in SF City Hall, with it's romantic architecture, it looked like I came back from time!




Poor Thom had to get ready all over the house actually, since I took up the back half and refused to move.  I think he managed to iron his shirt in the front room and change in the bedroom.  I guess he had to add another notch to his belt since he's skinnier than a broom stick. (Which explains the power drill.)

Like I said, I hung out in Kristina's room and fumbled my way through the hair and makeup.  We were really cutting it close to the time but everything kind of fell in place.

We planned to take MUNI to and from City Hall but since we were cutting it close to the time, Thom called cabs via Uber.  We made him stand on the corner of 19th Ave and Santiago facing traffic, just so I could slip into a cab unseen.

It was, without a doubt, the most self-aware ride of my life.

We ladies arrived first and I had some weird time to myself to let the reality soak in...

And as lovely as I'd like to think I am at being such a good bride-model, most of the photos were something like this:

"Did I remember to lock the front door?"

 Or something like this:

"Oooh!  Flowers!"

Or this:

Lacking any idea that my photo is being taken...

So there's some wedding day reality for all you non-married.  Lots of outtakes for those "glamorous" photoz you see on Pinterest...

But finally Thom arrived and it went something like this:

And off we went into City Hall!

We had to go and sign in.  There were at least three other couples getting married before us and a few more after us.  I never thought it would be so busy on a Thursday morning, but the place was hoppin!

Next we waited in line for our appointment with the Justice of Peace.  Our fathers acted as our two witnesses to sign on our marriage certificate.

After signing the papers, we waited for the judge to meet us and take us to the Rotunda at the top of the grand stairs in the main hall to get married.

And then it was our time!

It was literally 10 minutes long, if that.  But I did end up getting all teary-eyed and it was all very overwhelming as they say.

Afterward, we took some photos around City Hall...

And outside City Hall:

 And back inside again:

And of course we got some shots of our souvenir marriage certificate!  (Real one to come in the mail two weeks from now.)

And some stylish kicks:

Afterward, we hopped in a nice swanky cab and went to eat at Zuni.  (Originally Thom and I planned to walk over to the Civic Center food trucks but our parents felt the day was more momentous for food trucks.)

By this point, I yelled at Kristina to put the camera down.  We had a great meal and finally we walked back to the MUNI station to head home.

 We tried to "act normal".

In all, this was the most adventurous experience that both Thom and I define as perfect.  

We hope that you all enjoy our adventure through these images.  We also hope to celebrate with you in person next time around, so look for our "real" wedding invitations in the mail early next year!